I am lying sleepless in bed because I slept most of the day. I could probably still fall asleep, regardless, but I don’t feel good about that.
I skipped a grill out hosted by my boss as a reward for a great week at my office to which I contributed – significantly – because I can barely walk right now.
I have my dog closed in the laundry room tonight, with the back door open to the fenced in yard so he can get out when he needs to, instead of in my bed with me, because it’s too hard to get up and down the steps to let him out when he needs to go.
I’m scheduled to work a four hour shift tomorrow. I haven’t been able to do laundry and have no idea if I even have anything clean to wear. I have no idea if walking will be any easier tomorrow. I may have to call in. Again.
I am not just out of spoons, my spoon account is severely overdrawn. I have no idea when the next deposit will be. I do know it won’t be enough. It’s never enough.
I went to my future sister-in-law’s bachelorette party on Friday. We went to the Oaks race at Churchill Downs. I had reservations about it from the beginning. Not about celebrating my brother’s upcoming wedding with his bride, who I adore. About walking. About sitting in flimsy folding chairs. About being there the whole day.
I wanted to be there. I just didn’t trust my body to cooperate.
I don’t even have the energy to go into the nightmare it was, almost from the beginning. I will say that I will never return to Churchill Downs. Their idea of disability accessibility is a complete fucking joke.
There were a lot of tears. Especially at the end of the day, when I genuinely wasn’t sure I’d make it back to the car.
I’m not even 40 yet. How is this my life?
How much worse is it going to get?