All I ever wanted was to help. The poor, the sick, the oppressed. Is it my fault that there were other plans for me? Why is it that my name should forever be synonymous with betrayal, for something that was never in my control?
That was, of course, what drew me to him to begin with. He did so much good. I watched him heal the sick, feed the hungry, welcome the poor with open arms. I watched him show compassion for every imperfect soul who crossed his path: gamblers, adulterers, prostitutes, thieves. He sought out the company of those others would avert their eyes from, cross to the other side of the path to avoid. He touched the lepers and made them whole. He saw the good in all of them. He saw the good in me. How could I not follow him? How could I not love him? Can I even describe the feeling of basking in the light of his love and acceptance so you could understand what it was like?
It was inevitable that those in power would see him as a threat. He welcomed it, in fact. I think I may have been the only one besides him who saw it coming. After the money lenders in the temple, there was only one way it could end. I knew they would turn on him to save themselves. It’s only human nature, after all.
No one understood that better than he himself did. And he forgave them before it even happened.
And he understood better than anyone how limited he was by his flesh and blood. He could only reach so many people as a mere human. No, to do what he wanted to do, to save all he wanted to save, he needed to escape the bounds of his body.
So the irony is, none of this would have been possible without me. Would you believe me if I told you I considered not doing what he wanted? That I loved him enough to want to keep him alive, even at the expense of his plans?
But instead, I did what he asked. When I kissed him, it was with all the love I had for him in my heart. For him, and for the poor, the sick, the hungry, the hurt, the desperate souls crushed under the weight of Rome’s boot.
I only ever had the best of intentions. Did I deserve what it cost me?